Dipping into meditation

Increasingly, I have been meditating. Meditation seemed daunting before. I never knew if I was doing it right. I still don't know if I am doing it "right" but that is no matter because it has been serving as a sort of protector. This protector is still honing its skills though...before I could see it chasing after me when I started internally and externally deviating, but it has become more swift and pretty soon after I "slip" it catches me and reminds me to keep in check. Even more recently it has been able to shield me more and more from myself and amazingly serve as a preventer and guilt reducer.

After meditating I feel at times what I imagine an elderly person is like...many seem more at peace with the journey, an ability to know what fights to pick in the wide scheme of things. Actually, studies have shown that happiness increases later in life. There are a number of possible factors that researchers have tried to attribute to this, one is that those who express increased happiness show a certain degree of control  yet an acceptance of what cannot be altered. That IS meditation to me at the early stage of my practice. Control and acceptance. In the form of sitting or carrying a chant in my head, I meditate on the interconnectiveness with my surroundings including the individuals around me. I meditate on the perspective this moment will have in the grand story of my life. Just being happy with what is at the moment. Really, there is not a lot that is worth confrontation.

As I have mentioned, I have not perfected this skill but the more I practice it the more I do see its effect. Life is a story and it is so easy to want to make it an exciting one but that means a plot line with a lot of unnecessary ups and downs and twists and turns... that is what sells but is it at the expense of self integrity? Life naturally will give us the hills to climb so digging holes or climbing a mountain when there is already a tunnel to go through and doing it just for the sake of entertainment seems very tiring. 

Temper, I see you!

TRUTH: I tend to mentally and physically hand the kids to my husband, and then expect a little too much. I went out with a friend last night and got back late, he had the kids in bed and like I often do, crashed with them. He was taking care of them all weekend non-stop because I worked both Saturday and Sunday. I did prep most of the meals but he was stuck taking the kids to the eye doctor, ensuring my eldest studied for his test this week etc. etc. Actually, he did a lot. He does a lot and actually really has minimal "him" time, yet he never asks for it. Even with this knowledge in the back of my head, I freaked out at him. I feel guilty for freaking out this morning. To wake up and face the disaster in the home was an inner battle that was lost. I tried to suck it in, I really did but than lost it. I hate the never- ending house work that without choice is heavily my job. All week, I try to keep it in order and one weekend working and it is all undone. So after years of fighting about this I am thinking I have to resign that this is a fact of life. BUT, I have to make it easier for me without losing my temper or feeling resentment because I want to live simply in my heart too.

I have no answer yet, throwing stuff out feels cathartic and the less stuff is less to clean up. I think I will hide away most of my dishes and pots and pans so they have no choice but to wash-up after they use it ( can't throw them out because I do like having friends over). Yes, that is a start ( sorry, problem solving as I write). OK. Hello new week, I resolve to focus on the kitchen and to make it less of a place of contention. PS. the kids seem to be understanding this a bit more than my husband- that I am becoming more " no nonsense". I told them I am grabbing 3 garbage bags and will fill them up today and they understood immediately that it means what I find on the floor is going in and there was a mad scramble to pick-up stuff. They have seen me throw out their toys and now know I mean business. I do mean business because honestly the efforts I have put in so far really has given more peace and the time to see when the peace is in danger of being rocked. REALLY, the boys and I are so much more closer and loving since I started this simplifying process it is worth it already.

The image of tsunamis is something rather newish to my visual vocabulary. The 2005 Asian massive one and then the closer to home, 2011 Tohoku one both did and still do shake me to the core. 

Today, on the train platform, I was walking when from behind I could hear the rumbling of the approaching train. I quickend my step as it got louder, the earth started vibrating and before I could catch myself I had placed my mind into someone trying to outrun a tsunami. The train passed me of course and I felt washed over with the feeling of fruitlessness and grief for the thousands who tried to save themselves. 

Pulling myself back from myself, it was bewildering that I would play such a cruel mind game.

Suffering is so much harder to make sense of. I wonder if this fact for me has given me the knee-jerk desire to simplify everything. To wrap my head around life more easily.  Restarting blogging is my way to clear head space. As I type, at this moment, I am trying to step back again: the emotions of the day can be seen whirling in my head, my chest is clenched and debris of this cerebral tornado fly out. It is my Dads birthday today and I am unintentionally trying to hold it in. He would have been 71. I know I could  write more and release the sorrow but I don't want to. A friend came over and mentioned a fear she has and again the territory was so potentially real that I was scared to tread there mentally after she left. Wars, natural disasters, uncontrollable tragedies...they are so profound that they entangle internally. The only way I can even begin to disentangle is to acknowledge that both fear and grief are  very difficult to set free.

Hurray for my very small victories

 There are many styles and techniques to teaching and coaching but 2 diametrically opposite methods are to focus on the weak points with humiliation vs to motivate by pouring on praise and focusing on strengths. Everyone reacts to things differently and to tell you the truth, I think there are strong downfalls to both. BUT there is the Montessori side of the happy happy motivation. My eldest son had experience with Montessori and I remember thinking, " What the hell, these teachers don't have any expressions on their face" and later it was explained to me that it was to cultivate the child's ability to appreciate what they are doing and strive because they want to strive.

So this brings me to this morning. 85-90 percent of the time, breakfast with my kids is the time that quickly starts pushing all the stress buttons. Heart pacing, steam coming out of my nose and ears, a voice that I cannot believe I can create comes out of me ( someone please call an exorcist). My youngest in particular, right now,  is brutally slow to consume food during this time crunch time. I have spent so much time trying to get him to eat on time so no one is late for school and work. But if I just take a minute to think back to my oldest son who now eats with no problem, the older guy was even more difficult with breakfast. Some people are just not breakfast people. Anyhow, the last few days I have been very firm about giving no snacks to kids who do not consume a proper breakfast. I go to the point of popping the untouched food in the fridge and that will be the " snack" when they get home. I make it clear that a body needs its proper nutrition before we can add in those treats. Unfortunatly, it backfired a bit yesterday as a mother at the gymnastics club kept giving stuff to my youngest to eat. Anyhow, back to today. I have put my foot down so losing my cool is so unnecessary. We know we can't control other people so why do we try to control our kids to the extent we do? Speaking to them in a way that creates guilt and disappointment in us. I am not a proponent for letting children get away with stuff but when my reaction is causing turmoil inside of me, there has to be a solution.

I wonder if it is focusing on the small things I DO RIGHT. Those minuscule victories that are easy to pass by that is the key. The same song and dance unfolded this morning so even though I did nag a bit, my voice didn't rise. I knew where this was going. He knew the consequence...healthy feeding first, extras after. So I took a few deep breathes after the buzzer went off for the max time allowed before we were in danger of being late and I calmly saran wrapped the food and put it in the fridge. He seemed confused like he was expecting more. But I did it. Tomorrow morning, the goal is to nix the nagging. Just foot down. I know he will complain when his brother gets the cookie when he gets home but that is something he has has to deal with. I dealt with MY behavior this morning. I at least have this reminder that I once kept firm and calm. Perhaps it will be easier to recreate in future situations and I won't be having the victory just in the morning but all day long.

Schedule Cleansing

Streamlining my life with 3 busy kids, a busy husband and work is a challenge but not impossible. I stayed with my cousin and his family for a few days in May. He has 8 kids ( politest, sweetest, most beautiful kids ) and has managed to create an exceptional life. The home works efficiently, it is not cluttered and from what I could see non-stressful. Everyone has time for their own hobbies and thoughts and have cozy, fun times together. My cousin and his wife have a relationship that is on a higher plain than anyone other couple I have ever met...PERIOD. 

I find that streamlining the budget is enjoyable and relatively easy. But "BUSY" is something else altogether. I want to do to my schedule what I have done with my expenses. Go through it carefully and start extracting things and think of how to make things more efficient. I have said " No" a couple of times recently which is a HUGE achievement. I am great at pulling myself in all directions thinking I am incredible rubberband woman only to snap. 

It is easy to take for granted that this "running around" mother thing is what is supposed to happen but I saw what a fine-tuned household can be. Less stuff, less spending, less engagement opens up pockets of time. And folks, it is a wondrous and beautiful thing to behold. 

A quick note about setbacks

I nursed my firstborn until he was 2 years 4 months, was so careful about his diet, thought I was doing everything right even before he was born. My doctor commended me in Canada for following the pregnancy recommendations so well. When my little guy started getting rashes and scratchy and it was declared he had allergies I was disappointed. All the hard work to protect the guy and I had no idea what I could have done to prevent this. My friend Tae said to me " but you don't know how much worse the allergy could have been if you didn't do all those things". That idea has reoccurred over the years. Working hard just to have something that seems like a setback to happen to realization that I had protected myself from something much worse. 

My Moms attitude is remarkable. She has been an avid exerciser and health geek for decades but she had a car accident 3 years ago that has made walking difficult. Still, she has been proud that she can manage what she can manage. Although in pain and can walk only for 15 minutes at a time she says the knee still looks way better than most who have such trauma and even though she is only able to be a fraction physically active than she was in the past she can still manage without a cane. 

It reminds me how I had a wonderful, respectful first relationship that gave me a strength that I wouldn't realize until I started dating others. Much later,when seeing another fellow, this man sat me down with my best friend and said that together they had cheated on me. I congratulated them and told them they were better suited for each other. I had no bitterness or anger because I had already that strong relationship foundation laid that gave me the knowledge it wasn't in my best interest. I was actually shocked that no strong emotions emerged and still to this day the only thing that remains is the wonderful sense that it rolled off my back. PS. found out nothing infuriates someone or creates more guilt like indifference in such situations. Just a tip on how to handle such people/ situations.

Physical, mental, spiritual, financial...each responsible little effort towards all build up something much more resilient that can handle just a little bit more of the natural and not so natural elements of life. If only 5 minutes a day spent on each development is all that I can afford, that 5 minutes is certainly better than zero.

I had a very, very, very minor setback today, I caught myself sulk for a few minutes but then reminded myself that if I hadn't laid the preventative layer this would suck much more. Hopefully next time I can bypass the fleeting disappointment altogether and nod my head with knowledge and confidence and say to myself "thank-you for me being able to handle it ".

The road to simplification

What springs to mind when the word "simplifying" is thrown at you? 

Over a dozen years ago I threw some books and clothing into a suitcase and moved to a foreign country. I needed very little, just basic hygiene stuff, work clothing, book, journal and I was "that" happy clam. A boyfriend convinced me that even if I was in a temporary place that I really " needed" more stuff. Accumulation began but still, way after that boyfriend was replaced I ended up finding the individual I would spend my life with, everything I had could fit into a few boxes on moving day...he on the other hand, had A LOT of stuff. Babies came and our home filled up with more things and we still lived our crazy single life in someways with the schedule and it all became " too much", so before third baby came I had resolved to " keep it simple" and like magic I was in a happy place . I already acknowledged my belief in small space living when we were beginning the process of house hunting. A certain lifestyle belief that brought me peace was being built, my cousin came from Canada and strengthened my decision to do this as he was and is much further along in not giving a rats ass what people think but deeply concerned about the print he was leaving on the environment. He was dazzled by my balcony garden and composter, the living space that was not huge but enough, the location that allowed me to walk everywhere, it was great to have an ally in what I felt was living more meaningfully. And then I had baby 3 and I found that what once gave me joy was a source of embarrassment and bother. Things went from crazy to dark. I barely knew how to survive and navigate. It took almost 3 years to climb out. And when I came out it was interesting to see what I had. It was like the realization I felt at 21 after my father died "I don't want to want anything". At 38, am not talking about minimalism, just talking about living simple and streamlined. I have a wonderful life and when everyday is a party, it is hard to appreciate it for what it is. 

When I emerged from the dark place I saw how many friends I had on my journey with me, I saw a loyal partner who stuck with me and kids who I wanted to celebrate. 

I also saw "too much". Too much ambivalence, too many obligations, too much physical stuff that took time away from my life, too many expectations. JUST TOO MUCH when the most peaceful moments, memorable moments were when we were functioning as a family of five in a hotel, discovering the world around us. Think about how much stuff you have when you stay in a hotel, very little is needed.

I am very blessed in some ways. Those 3 years were tough and I was given time and space to figure it out. Some of that required financial resources, we ate out A LOT, we traveled A LOT yet we never went into debt, I was never a big shopper but I did have the luxury to waste on useless stuff when I wanted to. Knowing the daily financial struggles of many I felt sick about how I wasted my resources. Ideally, to live happily on the national average would be much more responsible. I understand life is meant to be lived but the average annual income should be enough to do that and I feel a bit like a spoiled brat to want expensive material positions just because I can afford it. At a very young age, I saw the destruction of what "keeping up with the Joneses" does and it isn't pretty. 

One final simplifying that must be addressed. The mind clutter that brought me to the danger- zone! This is when mindfulness comes in handy, quick acknowledgment of feelings, observing the small acts that make life grand. When living and working with others life is bound to have ups and downs so to focus on the detritus of the day instead of the treasures is only productive if it is to clean-up not to ruminate.

This journey restarted actually almost half a year ago but really started falling into place in the last couple of months. My husband was away last night and I sat on the couch listening to bickering kids and in my frustration said " off to bed". So we all clamored into bed together...who lies next to Mommy ensued and I had to take a deep breath. I popped son 3 (s3) on my chest and wrapped my arms around son 1 (s1) and son 2 ( s2) who served as wings. S2 quickly started his rounds in dreamland. S1 and s3 never sleep so quickly. And then s3 kisses me and says " I love you Mommy...I love you s1 he whispers", s1 whispers " I love you too and I love s2 too...I love Mommy and Papa too" " yes, I love s2 and papa too" s3 says with understanding and they snuggle closer unknowing that I was stunned at their innocent transaction. They always say The words to ME but I have never heard the boys say " I love you" to each other. It was a very thoughtful, meaningful "I love you".

 Kids have it right, they can spend all day fluctuating between play and fights but at the end of the day to remember the love is all that matters.

Numbers for November

Happy Last Day of November!!!!!

Here are a few interesting numbers for November:

# of days in November: 30

# of Members in my family: 5 

# of homemade breakfasts: 29 days x 5 people= 145

# of homemade lunches for 5 people ( minus the  days school provided ones)=91

# of homemade dinners minus  the 5 that hubby was away a few days and 1 meal eaten out as a family- 141

# of servings of meals eaten out of the house- 20 ( my husband had 4 required company shingdings, I ate one lunch out with a friend and  last Sunday we went on an excursion for the day that required all meals eaten out)

# of snacks= I never recorded all the snacks but just say one a day= 150

Total of snacks and meals from home: 527

Grocery total for ALL of November= 30,000 yen ( just think around 300 bucks, if you are a forex junkie you can scream at me about the current exchange rate)

Yup, 1000 yen ( 10 bucks a day).

This is not the norm for me. We eat out so much that I could have just easily started a restaurant blog. I just decided that we wouldn't eat out in November and I rediscovered my joy in menu planning ( I use to LOVE menu planning but after my third son was born I went  into survival mode and getting out of bed was my biggest accomplishment).

But the figure is remarkably low don't you think? 5 people ( 2 adults and 3 boys 4,6 and 9). We ate incredibly well too. During a week we had lots of fruit and veggies, dinner with meat a few times a few times, fish a couple of times and 1-2 vegetarian meals...remember each WEEK.

Curious?

We ate exceptionally well. Healthy, balanced meals with treats too.

Here is a peek: 

Breakfast varied day to day. Some examples are : cereal, oatmeal, egg/ toast, rice with meat and veggies, muffins, cheese toast, fruit and homemade yogurt...

Lunch- pretty much leftovers or I set aside meat pieces when prepping dinner to create a whole new lunch for my husband with it. 

Dinner is where the fun is! During the course of last week for example we had:  meatloaf, vegetarian doria using spiced lentils, Japanese meat and potatoes, vegetarian curry, Seafood Japanese noodle bowl, Indian Prantha ( filled roti, pictured above), salmon burgers. Plus all the side stuff and add in the carbs like rice and bread. 

I was lucky in that we were given some veggies and fruit so that certainly kept the grocery bill low.

I THINK though, regardless of what was given to us, it still would have been remarkably cheap. The upside of being an Indo- Canadian living in Japan is that I suffer from no functional fixedness when it comes to food. Common food spans cuisines for me so when I see a potato I can do a million and 1 things with it. I am not a good cook but a flexible one. 

So my friends, lesson learned from November, instead of opening the pocket book, thinking there is nothing to eat at home, open the fridge! Open-minded cooking equals happy body and happy wallet. You would be surprised what can be created with a bit of life experience and a bit of ingredients. 

PS

I found that I actually saved time too, getting kids out the door, ordering, waiting, eating is an hour hand chewer. The boys are getting older so many cooking/ bonding times were had this month and I sure appreciate them for peeling and chopping with the blunt kiddie knife for me. It ( briefly) kept them productively busy and out of trouble.

PSS

The date shows up as November 29 but it is in fact the 30th in Japan.

The first snowfall

The first snowfall. Winter doesn't look good on my city. My friend recently moved to Germany and the view of this season is evocative of fairytales. I am an expat Canadian, snow looks awesome on Canada and the country has profited from it as it lures people to experience " The Great Canadian Winter". Aside from the rough driving conditions people can look forward to curling up to watch hockey on TV in their warm, centrally heated homes, drinking warm brandy in front of the fireplace yadda, yadda.

We don't have hockey here. The one skating rink closed down years ago although there are plans to build another one,  I vaguely remember signing a petition for it. I live on the Japan sea coast where the waves rise up ready to grab some unsuspecting pedestrian strolling by. The air sucks in its belly and spews out a harsh, full force wind that not only knocks you off your feet, navigates the most minuscule holes in your fabric to penetrate your thermal underwear but also has the ability to stop trains. IT STOPS TRAINS.....OFTEN!!!! And if the wind isn't enough, it has made some morbid pact with the rain to keep the good time rolling. It is cold, wet and windy. Our snow is sleet. Wool stinks olfactory wise at this time of the year, winter boots are useless as they never succeed in keeping your toes dry which means the pressure is put on rubber boots that are meant to keep the water out but has no concept of warmth. Throw in the perpetual gray sky and it is all a lethal mix. Seasonal Affective Disorder 100percent guaranteed or your money back!

But life is meant to be celebrated. My biggest dream is to be as simple as possible. Having  little children, I have learned that simplicity is survival. They were happy to wake up shivering, they gobbled up breakfast and pulled on those boots, gloves and hats with ease as if the in between seasons never occurred. They called me out into the technically crappy weather and started throwing wet snowballs at each other as they waited for the preschool bus. As I kissed their frozen cheeks I noted that those cheeks were taut and held up by big curved smiles. I want to keep their joy going. I made some cut-out cookie dough and selected some winter themed cutters from my stash so they can make their own warm snack. I think tonight calls out for board games and warm drinks maybe even dig out Christmas music. I still haven't figured out how to control the weather so I gotta make best with what I got.