Dipping into meditation

Increasingly, I have been meditating. Meditation seemed daunting before. I never knew if I was doing it right. I still don't know if I am doing it "right" but that is no matter because it has been serving as a sort of protector. This protector is still honing its skills though...before I could see it chasing after me when I started internally and externally deviating, but it has become more swift and pretty soon after I "slip" it catches me and reminds me to keep in check. Even more recently it has been able to shield me more and more from myself and amazingly serve as a preventer and guilt reducer.

After meditating I feel at times what I imagine an elderly person is like...many seem more at peace with the journey, an ability to know what fights to pick in the wide scheme of things. Actually, studies have shown that happiness increases later in life. There are a number of possible factors that researchers have tried to attribute to this, one is that those who express increased happiness show a certain degree of control  yet an acceptance of what cannot be altered. That IS meditation to me at the early stage of my practice. Control and acceptance. In the form of sitting or carrying a chant in my head, I meditate on the interconnectiveness with my surroundings including the individuals around me. I meditate on the perspective this moment will have in the grand story of my life. Just being happy with what is at the moment. Really, there is not a lot that is worth confrontation.

As I have mentioned, I have not perfected this skill but the more I practice it the more I do see its effect. Life is a story and it is so easy to want to make it an exciting one but that means a plot line with a lot of unnecessary ups and downs and twists and turns... that is what sells but is it at the expense of self integrity? Life naturally will give us the hills to climb so digging holes or climbing a mountain when there is already a tunnel to go through and doing it just for the sake of entertainment seems very tiring. 

Temper, I see you!

TRUTH: I tend to mentally and physically hand the kids to my husband, and then expect a little too much. I went out with a friend last night and got back late, he had the kids in bed and like I often do, crashed with them. He was taking care of them all weekend non-stop because I worked both Saturday and Sunday. I did prep most of the meals but he was stuck taking the kids to the eye doctor, ensuring my eldest studied for his test this week etc. etc. Actually, he did a lot. He does a lot and actually really has minimal "him" time, yet he never asks for it. Even with this knowledge in the back of my head, I freaked out at him. I feel guilty for freaking out this morning. To wake up and face the disaster in the home was an inner battle that was lost. I tried to suck it in, I really did but than lost it. I hate the never- ending house work that without choice is heavily my job. All week, I try to keep it in order and one weekend working and it is all undone. So after years of fighting about this I am thinking I have to resign that this is a fact of life. BUT, I have to make it easier for me without losing my temper or feeling resentment because I want to live simply in my heart too.

I have no answer yet, throwing stuff out feels cathartic and the less stuff is less to clean up. I think I will hide away most of my dishes and pots and pans so they have no choice but to wash-up after they use it ( can't throw them out because I do like having friends over). Yes, that is a start ( sorry, problem solving as I write). OK. Hello new week, I resolve to focus on the kitchen and to make it less of a place of contention. PS. the kids seem to be understanding this a bit more than my husband- that I am becoming more " no nonsense". I told them I am grabbing 3 garbage bags and will fill them up today and they understood immediately that it means what I find on the floor is going in and there was a mad scramble to pick-up stuff. They have seen me throw out their toys and now know I mean business. I do mean business because honestly the efforts I have put in so far really has given more peace and the time to see when the peace is in danger of being rocked. REALLY, the boys and I are so much more closer and loving since I started this simplifying process it is worth it already.

The image of tsunamis is something rather newish to my visual vocabulary. The 2005 Asian massive one and then the closer to home, 2011 Tohoku one both did and still do shake me to the core. 

Today, on the train platform, I was walking when from behind I could hear the rumbling of the approaching train. I quickend my step as it got louder, the earth started vibrating and before I could catch myself I had placed my mind into someone trying to outrun a tsunami. The train passed me of course and I felt washed over with the feeling of fruitlessness and grief for the thousands who tried to save themselves. 

Pulling myself back from myself, it was bewildering that I would play such a cruel mind game.

Suffering is so much harder to make sense of. I wonder if this fact for me has given me the knee-jerk desire to simplify everything. To wrap my head around life more easily.  Restarting blogging is my way to clear head space. As I type, at this moment, I am trying to step back again: the emotions of the day can be seen whirling in my head, my chest is clenched and debris of this cerebral tornado fly out. It is my Dads birthday today and I am unintentionally trying to hold it in. He would have been 71. I know I could  write more and release the sorrow but I don't want to. A friend came over and mentioned a fear she has and again the territory was so potentially real that I was scared to tread there mentally after she left. Wars, natural disasters, uncontrollable tragedies...they are so profound that they entangle internally. The only way I can even begin to disentangle is to acknowledge that both fear and grief are  very difficult to set free.

Hurray for my very small victories

 There are many styles and techniques to teaching and coaching but 2 diametrically opposite methods are to focus on the weak points with humiliation vs to motivate by pouring on praise and focusing on strengths. Everyone reacts to things differently and to tell you the truth, I think there are strong downfalls to both. BUT there is the Montessori side of the happy happy motivation. My eldest son had experience with Montessori and I remember thinking, " What the hell, these teachers don't have any expressions on their face" and later it was explained to me that it was to cultivate the child's ability to appreciate what they are doing and strive because they want to strive.

So this brings me to this morning. 85-90 percent of the time, breakfast with my kids is the time that quickly starts pushing all the stress buttons. Heart pacing, steam coming out of my nose and ears, a voice that I cannot believe I can create comes out of me ( someone please call an exorcist). My youngest in particular, right now,  is brutally slow to consume food during this time crunch time. I have spent so much time trying to get him to eat on time so no one is late for school and work. But if I just take a minute to think back to my oldest son who now eats with no problem, the older guy was even more difficult with breakfast. Some people are just not breakfast people. Anyhow, the last few days I have been very firm about giving no snacks to kids who do not consume a proper breakfast. I go to the point of popping the untouched food in the fridge and that will be the " snack" when they get home. I make it clear that a body needs its proper nutrition before we can add in those treats. Unfortunatly, it backfired a bit yesterday as a mother at the gymnastics club kept giving stuff to my youngest to eat. Anyhow, back to today. I have put my foot down so losing my cool is so unnecessary. We know we can't control other people so why do we try to control our kids to the extent we do? Speaking to them in a way that creates guilt and disappointment in us. I am not a proponent for letting children get away with stuff but when my reaction is causing turmoil inside of me, there has to be a solution.

I wonder if it is focusing on the small things I DO RIGHT. Those minuscule victories that are easy to pass by that is the key. The same song and dance unfolded this morning so even though I did nag a bit, my voice didn't rise. I knew where this was going. He knew the consequence...healthy feeding first, extras after. So I took a few deep breathes after the buzzer went off for the max time allowed before we were in danger of being late and I calmly saran wrapped the food and put it in the fridge. He seemed confused like he was expecting more. But I did it. Tomorrow morning, the goal is to nix the nagging. Just foot down. I know he will complain when his brother gets the cookie when he gets home but that is something he has has to deal with. I dealt with MY behavior this morning. I at least have this reminder that I once kept firm and calm. Perhaps it will be easier to recreate in future situations and I won't be having the victory just in the morning but all day long.

Schedule Cleansing

Streamlining my life with 3 busy kids, a busy husband and work is a challenge but not impossible. I stayed with my cousin and his family for a few days in May. He has 8 kids ( politest, sweetest, most beautiful kids ) and has managed to create an exceptional life. The home works efficiently, it is not cluttered and from what I could see non-stressful. Everyone has time for their own hobbies and thoughts and have cozy, fun times together. My cousin and his wife have a relationship that is on a higher plain than anyone other couple I have ever met...PERIOD. 

I find that streamlining the budget is enjoyable and relatively easy. But "BUSY" is something else altogether. I want to do to my schedule what I have done with my expenses. Go through it carefully and start extracting things and think of how to make things more efficient. I have said " No" a couple of times recently which is a HUGE achievement. I am great at pulling myself in all directions thinking I am incredible rubberband woman only to snap. 

It is easy to take for granted that this "running around" mother thing is what is supposed to happen but I saw what a fine-tuned household can be. Less stuff, less spending, less engagement opens up pockets of time. And folks, it is a wondrous and beautiful thing to behold. 

A quick note about setbacks

I nursed my firstborn until he was 2 years 4 months, was so careful about his diet, thought I was doing everything right even before he was born. My doctor commended me in Canada for following the pregnancy recommendations so well. When my little guy started getting rashes and scratchy and it was declared he had allergies I was disappointed. All the hard work to protect the guy and I had no idea what I could have done to prevent this. My friend Tae said to me " but you don't know how much worse the allergy could have been if you didn't do all those things". That idea has reoccurred over the years. Working hard just to have something that seems like a setback to happen to realization that I had protected myself from something much worse. 

My Moms attitude is remarkable. She has been an avid exerciser and health geek for decades but she had a car accident 3 years ago that has made walking difficult. Still, she has been proud that she can manage what she can manage. Although in pain and can walk only for 15 minutes at a time she says the knee still looks way better than most who have such trauma and even though she is only able to be a fraction physically active than she was in the past she can still manage without a cane. 

It reminds me how I had a wonderful, respectful first relationship that gave me a strength that I wouldn't realize until I started dating others. Much later,when seeing another fellow, this man sat me down with my best friend and said that together they had cheated on me. I congratulated them and told them they were better suited for each other. I had no bitterness or anger because I had already that strong relationship foundation laid that gave me the knowledge it wasn't in my best interest. I was actually shocked that no strong emotions emerged and still to this day the only thing that remains is the wonderful sense that it rolled off my back. PS. found out nothing infuriates someone or creates more guilt like indifference in such situations. Just a tip on how to handle such people/ situations.

Physical, mental, spiritual, financial...each responsible little effort towards all build up something much more resilient that can handle just a little bit more of the natural and not so natural elements of life. If only 5 minutes a day spent on each development is all that I can afford, that 5 minutes is certainly better than zero.

I had a very, very, very minor setback today, I caught myself sulk for a few minutes but then reminded myself that if I hadn't laid the preventative layer this would suck much more. Hopefully next time I can bypass the fleeting disappointment altogether and nod my head with knowledge and confidence and say to myself "thank-you for me being able to handle it ".