Familiar Strangers

I walked a bit further on the train platform and realized I never go past a certain point.  It was like a whole new world. My invisible edge was made 3 years ago when I would bring my toddler by stroller to work with me. That stopping point leads to the door to the train car that perfectly aligns with the elevator of my arrival station. I no longer use the elevator because my little guy has been in preschool for nearly 10 months. I do still find myself at the exact same spot every week. So today I walked a few steps back to my invisible line and looked up across the track at the train pausing before departure on the opposite journey of mine and saw a lady smile at me.

She was familiar.

The memory clicked into place: Every Thursday, waiting on the platform with my little guy, a train approaching on the opposite track, the gestural communication between him and the same smiling elderly lady in the opposite train. 

 

Every Thursday without fail, there is also a man who stands paces beside me in the unchartered territory. We have exchanged zero words or even glances. Our distance makes us close enough to psychologically acknowledge each other's existence but no need to start up a conversation. This is actually not anti-social. I like to feel like we have our own comfort in knowing the other will be there on Thursdays and wonder if he notices the balance is off when I go away on vacations and disappear for a few weeks. I sure would. If he suddenly stopped being there I would wonder if he was okay perhaps feel a slight shift in my ease.

There are so many people around me I take for granted. We may share smiles with familiarity but have no need for small talk or to read each other's stories. These people add security and a sense of order. A feeling of connectedness that two people ritually, seemingly coincidently share a common space. 

As time changes and molds my world a prayer and gratitude to those who are unknowingly, unfailingly, peacefully always there.

Starting the morning

Awareness of what brings deep satisfaction would seem easy but sometimes the feeling is fleeting or gets pushed aside with busyness so it is not fully acknowledged. First my older son had his cheese toast for breakfast and then, I brought him over some cucumber and offhand mentioned I had made some pumpkin/ carrot soup so if he wanted some... 

Anyhow, this hodgepodge meal for my oldest, out of efficiency ended up properly arranged together and set for the preschoolers by the time they got up. Waking up the younger guys and approaching the table I had a complete view of what was about to go into their bodies. Their vitamins set out, the orange colour of the small soup that had many veggies in it along with an apple to add sweetness, the green cucumber and aside from the wish that the bread was dark and grainy ( it is difficult to get whole grain breads here) it nourished me knowing that their bodies entered the day being flooded with this.

Before taking them to the bus I prepared my oatmeal so awaiting me in the quiet home, on the table, was a sun lit,  steaming mug holding warm colours of pecan and cranberries that awaited to be stirred in. Drawn into an unintentional meditation in which I was engaged with all my senses the morning was imbued with contentment and peace. 

Wrestling the bear

One month has passed and in that time I went from amazing progress to heading straight into the arms of challenge...and I  can't say that I have won that battle YET. My husband had 10 days straight of required company drinking parties which meant solo parenting. This wasn't altogether bad, I had the demons on the ground! During this drinking season, entered sickness which included me getting sick ( mama's are NOT allowed to get sick) and that too, with a bit more effort had me throw a few good punches but then the universe brought out the secret move... the inlaws and brother in- laws family thrown in for extra, plus hubby and one child getting sick  and BANG months of calm were smothered and I was down for the count. I came back lucidly,a resentful, bitter woman after the holidays. I see me crawling back up to conquer the negativity but it hasn't been easy and I am not even close to what I accomplished before the holiday season. I spent the weekend in the company of good friends but I see how much I voiced my concerns and complained about things that passionately disgust me. The world as is, was MUCH more acceptable a month ago. Currently, I perceive social nonsense everywhere. I see a lot of meanness. I find less pockets of time and control. Anyhow, I will state what has overwhelmed me in hopes that I will be able to either live with it or take it down.

1) Mental illness is not taken care of the way I wish it would, where I live. In an 18 month period my friends neighbour lost her child after he fell out of the house window and then the husband committed suicide a few weeks ago. What I see as tragedy and desire to rush and hold this woman my friend sees as a curse and doesn't want to go near her neighbour. This, has created a growing a seed of discontent. I have to convince myself that not everyone around this woman feels the need to back away holding out an amulet to protect against her vile fate. I am at a loss at what I can do and I am praying that someone in her life has been showing more compassion. I see myself assuming that this is the majority way of thinking in this culture but in no way is my thought substantiated. For all I know, she is being showered with empathy  and support. Yet, I suspect that overall my friends opinion is prevelant which is a terrible judgement and generalization on my part.

2) Work above everything. Financially and physically. The balance issue of life- work has reared it's ugly head AGAIN. This issue has been around since getting married and is not unique to me. But, I think with less "me time" recently, it has begun to be more difficult to handle again...well mentally. The institutionalized lack of equilibrium makes no sense and I see it as a human rights violation. Yes I am lucky my husband has a good job but I have such trouble accepting this means that he must work until late, be forced to drink and pay money out of our own pockets for forced drinking events. I see my husband being run ragged by work and then by home pressure too because I haven't been able to encourage myself to rebalance life properly this year so he has to help more with the kids even in his exhausted state.

3) My in- laws. This is more residue from the past. It was stunning how the past experience with them surfaced as an ugly resentment when I went there over New Years. Flashbacks of what " wrong- doings" were done. They are far from horrible people but at a time when I desperately needed support their lack of empathy and outpour of care for their other daughter in- law made me furious, jealous and feeling like my safety net had a big hole in the bottom. Compassion from friends is the only thing that kept me from the most horrible imaginable and allowed me to search for a better way to support myself. 

4) As a result of all of the above plus lack of a few solid hours of alone time at home to regather myself, I find myself not emotionally giving myself to my husband and kids. I shut-off and not listen as well as I should and forget to enjoy our time together. A by-product is family is presented as " work " in my mind . Not cool, not cool indeed. 

The situation is actually not as  dire as It sounds to be. I have been observing my feelings and have been trying to take care of it through action and through this written purging (because verbally doing it has made me feel guilty and counter- productive). Anyhow, because of my objective to stare these bears in the face, in this post I am not writing about all the things that have been right in my world ( which are plenty). I have been blessed with perfectly timed reminders that I can nudge myself back into the groove and snail paced have been making my way there. 

A belated "Happy New year". Reminder to myself: Compassion is love and "love makes the world go around".