Wrestling the bear

One month has passed and in that time I went from amazing progress to heading straight into the arms of challenge...and I  can't say that I have won that battle YET. My husband had 10 days straight of required company drinking parties which meant solo parenting. This wasn't altogether bad, I had the demons on the ground! During this drinking season, entered sickness which included me getting sick ( mama's are NOT allowed to get sick) and that too, with a bit more effort had me throw a few good punches but then the universe brought out the secret move... the inlaws and brother in- laws family thrown in for extra, plus hubby and one child getting sick  and BANG months of calm were smothered and I was down for the count. I came back lucidly,a resentful, bitter woman after the holidays. I see me crawling back up to conquer the negativity but it hasn't been easy and I am not even close to what I accomplished before the holiday season. I spent the weekend in the company of good friends but I see how much I voiced my concerns and complained about things that passionately disgust me. The world as is, was MUCH more acceptable a month ago. Currently, I perceive social nonsense everywhere. I see a lot of meanness. I find less pockets of time and control. Anyhow, I will state what has overwhelmed me in hopes that I will be able to either live with it or take it down.

1) Mental illness is not taken care of the way I wish it would, where I live. In an 18 month period my friends neighbour lost her child after he fell out of the house window and then the husband committed suicide a few weeks ago. What I see as tragedy and desire to rush and hold this woman my friend sees as a curse and doesn't want to go near her neighbour. This, has created a growing a seed of discontent. I have to convince myself that not everyone around this woman feels the need to back away holding out an amulet to protect against her vile fate. I am at a loss at what I can do and I am praying that someone in her life has been showing more compassion. I see myself assuming that this is the majority way of thinking in this culture but in no way is my thought substantiated. For all I know, she is being showered with empathy  and support. Yet, I suspect that overall my friends opinion is prevelant which is a terrible judgement and generalization on my part.

2) Work above everything. Financially and physically. The balance issue of life- work has reared it's ugly head AGAIN. This issue has been around since getting married and is not unique to me. But, I think with less "me time" recently, it has begun to be more difficult to handle again...well mentally. The institutionalized lack of equilibrium makes no sense and I see it as a human rights violation. Yes I am lucky my husband has a good job but I have such trouble accepting this means that he must work until late, be forced to drink and pay money out of our own pockets for forced drinking events. I see my husband being run ragged by work and then by home pressure too because I haven't been able to encourage myself to rebalance life properly this year so he has to help more with the kids even in his exhausted state.

3) My in- laws. This is more residue from the past. It was stunning how the past experience with them surfaced as an ugly resentment when I went there over New Years. Flashbacks of what " wrong- doings" were done. They are far from horrible people but at a time when I desperately needed support their lack of empathy and outpour of care for their other daughter in- law made me furious, jealous and feeling like my safety net had a big hole in the bottom. Compassion from friends is the only thing that kept me from the most horrible imaginable and allowed me to search for a better way to support myself. 

4) As a result of all of the above plus lack of a few solid hours of alone time at home to regather myself, I find myself not emotionally giving myself to my husband and kids. I shut-off and not listen as well as I should and forget to enjoy our time together. A by-product is family is presented as " work " in my mind . Not cool, not cool indeed. 

The situation is actually not as  dire as It sounds to be. I have been observing my feelings and have been trying to take care of it through action and through this written purging (because verbally doing it has made me feel guilty and counter- productive). Anyhow, because of my objective to stare these bears in the face, in this post I am not writing about all the things that have been right in my world ( which are plenty). I have been blessed with perfectly timed reminders that I can nudge myself back into the groove and snail paced have been making my way there. 

A belated "Happy New year". Reminder to myself: Compassion is love and "love makes the world go around".