A Simple Meal

“How does it get even better than this”: A few days without recreational internet and life is saturated in colour;I am walking in the world as if it were my first day on earth. There was an itch to check social media that first day. The second day I remembered my love of reading books. The third day, the universe pulled me outdoors and the vibrant energy of green leaves and blue sky showered deep into my eyes… and it continues. Today, with the pressure of a minor respiratory infection lingering in each and every member of my family, I decided to make a healing dinner. 

 I forgot what it was like to cook without distractions. With not even a podcast nor music to keep me company, the quietness reminded me of what a sacred act cooking can be. Yesterday, a meandering to various farmer’s stalls in my area meant a rainbow filled fridge was at my fingertips today as I set about on my meditative cooking. 

It was cathartic: a dal that was reminiscent of my childhood, curried eggplant, tomatoes and mushroom wraps as impromptu creativity and to satisfy a request by my children…homemade ginger ale (ginger, lemon, honey, cumin boiled into a syrup. Cooled and then added to carbonated water). All simple and all filled with natural healing properties. To tell you the truth, I cannot spout the details of what each and every vegetable does to the body, I take a much more intuitive perspective on things. It felt good to cook and the vegetarian meal was a lesson about the earth’s nurturing spirit. 

The boys devoured it and the circular connection of the earth, the farmers, and my spirit in the meal was successfully relayed into the bodies of those I love.

What else is possible?

The boys are on Spring break so my decluttering has slowed down but has not quite halted. The material chaos grabs at my nerves at times and plucks at them like a guitar trying to be tuned but just can't. The past two days I have been moving furniture in the boys room and yesterday I felt success but today I had anger sweep over me. Looking at this stuff is looking at my stupidity of being a shmuck to consumerism. Goodness, imagine the time and money saved if I had these realizations years ago :( Today it feels like I am looking up a steep hill but there is a project I will be starting in 2 weeks and perseverance will make the beginning of it so sweet. Until then I will have to rock it like the little engine that could " I think I can, I think I can, I think I can" with the occasional off tune guitar playing as irrritating background music.

Bear with me as I talk about budgeting

Budgeting has become so empowering to me over the years that it is difficult to recall a time when I was not fully aware of our financial situation. Today, with gusto, I shared how I budget with a friend/ student. I was excited to motivate her to make a change that will alter her life. She asked me to do this last week so I was prepared for today...I thought. Even with my reassurances that if I can do it on a similar income with an extra child and the added expense of annual foreign travel she most certainly could do it too, she still left stricken with what looked like pain, fear, sadness and sickness.

Money can have an unbelievable grip on us and I forgot what it was like to have an extreme lack of control and to just be staring into an unknown abyss of expenditures. I "feel" like I have some control because I have my expenses all written out so clearly and so much savings is on auto pilot that even last year which had some pretty big splurges like renewing our vows in the Philippines, a solo trip to Singapore, my little sisters wedding in Canada and our trip back to the inlaws in Kyushu, plus consider the days in between were not short of luxuries like replacing my husbands lost wedding band and him buying me simple but-diamonds-non-the-less anniversary present, we managed to save at least 25 percent of our pre-tax income. This realization was incredibly unbelievable because I did decide to let loose and I never imagined we would emerge financially so well in 2013. I owe this relief to my budget. Even though I thought I had " let loose" I was already in the habit of cutting and saving in other areas to cushion any financial damage I was inflicting. Actually the word " damage " is inaccurate because there is no guilt to what I spent as I still was able to pull into 2014 in good condition financially and with our experiences in 2013 our relationships became even tighter with each other and with family and friends abroad.

So I have forgotten what it is like. The scariness of not understanding what money was coming in and going out. Wanting to give everything to my children in the present and at the expense of the family's future. Trust I have been there and by the grace of the universe was able to make my mistakes without ruining my family financially. I have stories, man do I have stories, but beneath my enthusiasm in this topic is humiliation that I don't need to go back to. I wish I could have openly shared stories with her and to my husband who doesn't totally get why this is important to me. But it is. It is very important. Please believe me that this is important. This single act can move the earth if we put value to it and were accountable to every coin spent. 

The act of beginning a budget for me snowballed over time to this whole simplicity thing, to being more eco , questioning consumerism and has given me a stronger desire to live more responsibly. I am not a guru in any of these areas but I am happy with how far I have come along in my 9 year journey and get immense joy from the things mentioned.

I will see my friend again next week. I will gently ask her if she filled in the numbers to the budget we created together. For privacy I told her I needn't see her numbers. Part of me thinks that if she is overwhelmed I could help her much more if I did look at her calculations. I pointed her to areas that can be immediately shaved down when trying to balance her sheet and I hope she does and perseveres and continues.

Even though there were times and still may be times in the future that will have me pulling out my hair and crying with how to figure it all out I have always loved the problem solving game of it. Somehow, I have kept going and saved and given my family great experiences. If you are starting a budget let me reassure  you that I HAVE BEEN THERE. You must be brave if you think you will be revealing a bad situation but it will only get worse unless you take care of it NOW. The rewards of the whole process alone are worth it. 

My budgeting skills have gotten pretty decent. This past weekend my husband and I went to the cellphone shop to get my second son a kids mobile. My husband has been on my case about replacing his deteriorating phone with an iphone. I have stuck to my guns and told him to show me the numbers about how it will effect the phone bill. So finally, with both of us at the shop I told the assistant our situation that soon we will have 4 cellphones and he wants an iPhone but I don't want to increase my expenses. She sat down and went through our current package and usage amounts. Long story short, I left with a happy husband with an iPhone, happy kid with his very own mobile and happy me with a phone bill that will be reduced about 50bucks a month...bonus, she informed me it will decrease 25 bucks more in November, oh and bonus bonus I won a Nintendo 3DS while there ( but I sold it to a friend because I am pretty strict about having one in the house).

One last story, in case I haven't convinced you to budget or reexamine your budget. I had a striking realization a couple of months back. I understand situations change but if I continue on the path I have been on ( meaning spending on what is important for us and budgeting and saving), I will retire with a million in cash, add in pensions and other stuff and we are looking okay plus all the years leading up will be filled with the travel and experiences we hold so important. We are a normal family with 3 kids who take various classes, we eat well, we vacation...we are far from deprived. Deprivation would probably give us an early retirement *lol*. That actually isn't my goal. My main goal is to live responsibly and reasonably so imagine my surprise when I looked at the books and realized that a million could be saved with minimal  effort and absolutely no change to the lifestyle I have cultivated. As I said to my friend, If I can do it you can too and you can probably do it better.

Filip Flisar

I am not a skier although I have done both downhill and cross country with very little enthusiasm, I know nothing about freestyle skiing and this means my knowledge of the existence of Filip Flisar was nil. Note the past tense, because last night I found myself with my 3 little boys cheering for him. Actually, still my knowledge of this guy is as close to nil. All I know is: 1) He is very good at freestyle skiing ( dude made it to the Olympics and pushed onto the semi-finals) 2) He is from Slovenia 3) He sports an awesome mustache ( well at least last night he did) with a nutty, mischievous, fun smile. 

It is for point #3 that my kids ended up cheering for him, making a song with a dance called " Mr. Mustache", being so delighted with him that they rooted for him over their own Canadians. A little bit of goofiness and smile can take some one surprisingly far and mix that with hard- work and a person can shoot into the sky. 

I see bit of that Flisar effect in my own life. I have unintentionally made a career for myself. It started with doing  a couple of special events for a big company, everything was given so I did as I was told, it was a bit exhausting. I moved, married, had a baby and wanted to do a little work for stimulation and remembered the big national company and contacted them. Go figure, they really needed me for quite a lot of events. My boss ended up being the most encouraging person ever with a great vision. I was the only one with the enthusiasm to go along with it. So, during that period, I ended up developing a quirky, fun way to inject something special into these standard events. When I moved, I was told I was the highest ranked native English teacher that the region has EVER had. I moved to the bigger region of Tokyo and Kanagawa. I applied all that I learned ( which also made my work much more fun too) so when I moved again, the Tokyo office said they were getting event requests specifying they wanted me. Which brings me to now. The quantity of work directly from the company is not enough to support a person but somehow I have managed to make something that resembles a career. Over the years, due to my events I have been asked to do sub- events for individual classrooms, I have been asked by the teachers to teach them privately and now have a roster of students made up of that unique group. 

I am not a particularly talented teacher but a bit of goof and a lot of smile has brought me an incredible amount of work. Yesterday, a student blurted out " you are funny...I love you ". That is the second time in a few days I had that comment. I had finished testing a group of 30 kids and as I left the room, the teacher grabbed me and said " my kids were so happy you were their tester this year. THEY LOVE YOU. "  One of my colleagues walked by and said " all the teachers and students love you". During this season I test over 2000 kids in 2 months. The work can get mundane if you let it. Last year I taught each group of kids the chicken dance to relax them before the test. This year so many kids and their teachers asked me if I would do it again...I didn't because every year I inject a little different crazy into it to keep them anticipating. So I pulled out some gags during the test. We have fun and the kids do awesome. It seems so simple but actually the kids and their teachers remember me and because of that my seasonal event work has turned into something that keeps me busy enough all year through.

That is what Flisar did last night. Among the best but certainly not the best, from a country we have no connection with,  he made an impression and won our hearts. Long past the beautiful clean, fast ski of those who stood on the podium we will think of " Mr. Mustache" and smile. Flisar didn't need a gold, with that attitude of picking himself off the ground and then laughing with the winners he already is gold. Trust that many looked dejected after crashing, he had his fleeting disappointment but went back to what looked from our screen, joking with others. 

Time to put more of that Flisar technique in my life not just during work. Doesn't it go something like this " When you are smiling, the whole world smiles with you". Humor and gratitude are a magical combo. I  might just write a message to Flisar so he knows that he is loved by these little kids and their Mom in Japan.

Familiar Strangers

I walked a bit further on the train platform and realized I never go past a certain point.  It was like a whole new world. My invisible edge was made 3 years ago when I would bring my toddler by stroller to work with me. That stopping point leads to the door to the train car that perfectly aligns with the elevator of my arrival station. I no longer use the elevator because my little guy has been in preschool for nearly 10 months. I do still find myself at the exact same spot every week. So today I walked a few steps back to my invisible line and looked up across the track at the train pausing before departure on the opposite journey of mine and saw a lady smile at me.

She was familiar.

The memory clicked into place: Every Thursday, waiting on the platform with my little guy, a train approaching on the opposite track, the gestural communication between him and the same smiling elderly lady in the opposite train. 

 

Every Thursday without fail, there is also a man who stands paces beside me in the unchartered territory. We have exchanged zero words or even glances. Our distance makes us close enough to psychologically acknowledge each other's existence but no need to start up a conversation. This is actually not anti-social. I like to feel like we have our own comfort in knowing the other will be there on Thursdays and wonder if he notices the balance is off when I go away on vacations and disappear for a few weeks. I sure would. If he suddenly stopped being there I would wonder if he was okay perhaps feel a slight shift in my ease.

There are so many people around me I take for granted. We may share smiles with familiarity but have no need for small talk or to read each other's stories. These people add security and a sense of order. A feeling of connectedness that two people ritually, seemingly coincidently share a common space. 

As time changes and molds my world a prayer and gratitude to those who are unknowingly, unfailingly, peacefully always there.

Starting the morning

Awareness of what brings deep satisfaction would seem easy but sometimes the feeling is fleeting or gets pushed aside with busyness so it is not fully acknowledged. First my older son had his cheese toast for breakfast and then, I brought him over some cucumber and offhand mentioned I had made some pumpkin/ carrot soup so if he wanted some... 

Anyhow, this hodgepodge meal for my oldest, out of efficiency ended up properly arranged together and set for the preschoolers by the time they got up. Waking up the younger guys and approaching the table I had a complete view of what was about to go into their bodies. Their vitamins set out, the orange colour of the small soup that had many veggies in it along with an apple to add sweetness, the green cucumber and aside from the wish that the bread was dark and grainy ( it is difficult to get whole grain breads here) it nourished me knowing that their bodies entered the day being flooded with this.

Before taking them to the bus I prepared my oatmeal so awaiting me in the quiet home, on the table, was a sun lit,  steaming mug holding warm colours of pecan and cranberries that awaited to be stirred in. Drawn into an unintentional meditation in which I was engaged with all my senses the morning was imbued with contentment and peace. 

Wrestling the bear

One month has passed and in that time I went from amazing progress to heading straight into the arms of challenge...and I  can't say that I have won that battle YET. My husband had 10 days straight of required company drinking parties which meant solo parenting. This wasn't altogether bad, I had the demons on the ground! During this drinking season, entered sickness which included me getting sick ( mama's are NOT allowed to get sick) and that too, with a bit more effort had me throw a few good punches but then the universe brought out the secret move... the inlaws and brother in- laws family thrown in for extra, plus hubby and one child getting sick  and BANG months of calm were smothered and I was down for the count. I came back lucidly,a resentful, bitter woman after the holidays. I see me crawling back up to conquer the negativity but it hasn't been easy and I am not even close to what I accomplished before the holiday season. I spent the weekend in the company of good friends but I see how much I voiced my concerns and complained about things that passionately disgust me. The world as is, was MUCH more acceptable a month ago. Currently, I perceive social nonsense everywhere. I see a lot of meanness. I find less pockets of time and control. Anyhow, I will state what has overwhelmed me in hopes that I will be able to either live with it or take it down.

1) Mental illness is not taken care of the way I wish it would, where I live. In an 18 month period my friends neighbour lost her child after he fell out of the house window and then the husband committed suicide a few weeks ago. What I see as tragedy and desire to rush and hold this woman my friend sees as a curse and doesn't want to go near her neighbour. This, has created a growing a seed of discontent. I have to convince myself that not everyone around this woman feels the need to back away holding out an amulet to protect against her vile fate. I am at a loss at what I can do and I am praying that someone in her life has been showing more compassion. I see myself assuming that this is the majority way of thinking in this culture but in no way is my thought substantiated. For all I know, she is being showered with empathy  and support. Yet, I suspect that overall my friends opinion is prevelant which is a terrible judgement and generalization on my part.

2) Work above everything. Financially and physically. The balance issue of life- work has reared it's ugly head AGAIN. This issue has been around since getting married and is not unique to me. But, I think with less "me time" recently, it has begun to be more difficult to handle again...well mentally. The institutionalized lack of equilibrium makes no sense and I see it as a human rights violation. Yes I am lucky my husband has a good job but I have such trouble accepting this means that he must work until late, be forced to drink and pay money out of our own pockets for forced drinking events. I see my husband being run ragged by work and then by home pressure too because I haven't been able to encourage myself to rebalance life properly this year so he has to help more with the kids even in his exhausted state.

3) My in- laws. This is more residue from the past. It was stunning how the past experience with them surfaced as an ugly resentment when I went there over New Years. Flashbacks of what " wrong- doings" were done. They are far from horrible people but at a time when I desperately needed support their lack of empathy and outpour of care for their other daughter in- law made me furious, jealous and feeling like my safety net had a big hole in the bottom. Compassion from friends is the only thing that kept me from the most horrible imaginable and allowed me to search for a better way to support myself. 

4) As a result of all of the above plus lack of a few solid hours of alone time at home to regather myself, I find myself not emotionally giving myself to my husband and kids. I shut-off and not listen as well as I should and forget to enjoy our time together. A by-product is family is presented as " work " in my mind . Not cool, not cool indeed. 

The situation is actually not as  dire as It sounds to be. I have been observing my feelings and have been trying to take care of it through action and through this written purging (because verbally doing it has made me feel guilty and counter- productive). Anyhow, because of my objective to stare these bears in the face, in this post I am not writing about all the things that have been right in my world ( which are plenty). I have been blessed with perfectly timed reminders that I can nudge myself back into the groove and snail paced have been making my way there. 

A belated "Happy New year". Reminder to myself: Compassion is love and "love makes the world go around". 

Dipping into meditation

Increasingly, I have been meditating. Meditation seemed daunting before. I never knew if I was doing it right. I still don't know if I am doing it "right" but that is no matter because it has been serving as a sort of protector. This protector is still honing its skills though...before I could see it chasing after me when I started internally and externally deviating, but it has become more swift and pretty soon after I "slip" it catches me and reminds me to keep in check. Even more recently it has been able to shield me more and more from myself and amazingly serve as a preventer and guilt reducer.

After meditating I feel at times what I imagine an elderly person is like...many seem more at peace with the journey, an ability to know what fights to pick in the wide scheme of things. Actually, studies have shown that happiness increases later in life. There are a number of possible factors that researchers have tried to attribute to this, one is that those who express increased happiness show a certain degree of control  yet an acceptance of what cannot be altered. That IS meditation to me at the early stage of my practice. Control and acceptance. In the form of sitting or carrying a chant in my head, I meditate on the interconnectiveness with my surroundings including the individuals around me. I meditate on the perspective this moment will have in the grand story of my life. Just being happy with what is at the moment. Really, there is not a lot that is worth confrontation.

As I have mentioned, I have not perfected this skill but the more I practice it the more I do see its effect. Life is a story and it is so easy to want to make it an exciting one but that means a plot line with a lot of unnecessary ups and downs and twists and turns... that is what sells but is it at the expense of self integrity? Life naturally will give us the hills to climb so digging holes or climbing a mountain when there is already a tunnel to go through and doing it just for the sake of entertainment seems very tiring. 

Temper, I see you!

TRUTH: I tend to mentally and physically hand the kids to my husband, and then expect a little too much. I went out with a friend last night and got back late, he had the kids in bed and like I often do, crashed with them. He was taking care of them all weekend non-stop because I worked both Saturday and Sunday. I did prep most of the meals but he was stuck taking the kids to the eye doctor, ensuring my eldest studied for his test this week etc. etc. Actually, he did a lot. He does a lot and actually really has minimal "him" time, yet he never asks for it. Even with this knowledge in the back of my head, I freaked out at him. I feel guilty for freaking out this morning. To wake up and face the disaster in the home was an inner battle that was lost. I tried to suck it in, I really did but than lost it. I hate the never- ending house work that without choice is heavily my job. All week, I try to keep it in order and one weekend working and it is all undone. So after years of fighting about this I am thinking I have to resign that this is a fact of life. BUT, I have to make it easier for me without losing my temper or feeling resentment because I want to live simply in my heart too.

I have no answer yet, throwing stuff out feels cathartic and the less stuff is less to clean up. I think I will hide away most of my dishes and pots and pans so they have no choice but to wash-up after they use it ( can't throw them out because I do like having friends over). Yes, that is a start ( sorry, problem solving as I write). OK. Hello new week, I resolve to focus on the kitchen and to make it less of a place of contention. PS. the kids seem to be understanding this a bit more than my husband- that I am becoming more " no nonsense". I told them I am grabbing 3 garbage bags and will fill them up today and they understood immediately that it means what I find on the floor is going in and there was a mad scramble to pick-up stuff. They have seen me throw out their toys and now know I mean business. I do mean business because honestly the efforts I have put in so far really has given more peace and the time to see when the peace is in danger of being rocked. REALLY, the boys and I are so much more closer and loving since I started this simplifying process it is worth it already.

The image of tsunamis is something rather newish to my visual vocabulary. The 2005 Asian massive one and then the closer to home, 2011 Tohoku one both did and still do shake me to the core. 

Today, on the train platform, I was walking when from behind I could hear the rumbling of the approaching train. I quickend my step as it got louder, the earth started vibrating and before I could catch myself I had placed my mind into someone trying to outrun a tsunami. The train passed me of course and I felt washed over with the feeling of fruitlessness and grief for the thousands who tried to save themselves. 

Pulling myself back from myself, it was bewildering that I would play such a cruel mind game.

Suffering is so much harder to make sense of. I wonder if this fact for me has given me the knee-jerk desire to simplify everything. To wrap my head around life more easily.  Restarting blogging is my way to clear head space. As I type, at this moment, I am trying to step back again: the emotions of the day can be seen whirling in my head, my chest is clenched and debris of this cerebral tornado fly out. It is my Dads birthday today and I am unintentionally trying to hold it in. He would have been 71. I know I could  write more and release the sorrow but I don't want to. A friend came over and mentioned a fear she has and again the territory was so potentially real that I was scared to tread there mentally after she left. Wars, natural disasters, uncontrollable tragedies...they are so profound that they entangle internally. The only way I can even begin to disentangle is to acknowledge that both fear and grief are  very difficult to set free.

Hurray for my very small victories

 There are many styles and techniques to teaching and coaching but 2 diametrically opposite methods are to focus on the weak points with humiliation vs to motivate by pouring on praise and focusing on strengths. Everyone reacts to things differently and to tell you the truth, I think there are strong downfalls to both. BUT there is the Montessori side of the happy happy motivation. My eldest son had experience with Montessori and I remember thinking, " What the hell, these teachers don't have any expressions on their face" and later it was explained to me that it was to cultivate the child's ability to appreciate what they are doing and strive because they want to strive.

So this brings me to this morning. 85-90 percent of the time, breakfast with my kids is the time that quickly starts pushing all the stress buttons. Heart pacing, steam coming out of my nose and ears, a voice that I cannot believe I can create comes out of me ( someone please call an exorcist). My youngest in particular, right now,  is brutally slow to consume food during this time crunch time. I have spent so much time trying to get him to eat on time so no one is late for school and work. But if I just take a minute to think back to my oldest son who now eats with no problem, the older guy was even more difficult with breakfast. Some people are just not breakfast people. Anyhow, the last few days I have been very firm about giving no snacks to kids who do not consume a proper breakfast. I go to the point of popping the untouched food in the fridge and that will be the " snack" when they get home. I make it clear that a body needs its proper nutrition before we can add in those treats. Unfortunatly, it backfired a bit yesterday as a mother at the gymnastics club kept giving stuff to my youngest to eat. Anyhow, back to today. I have put my foot down so losing my cool is so unnecessary. We know we can't control other people so why do we try to control our kids to the extent we do? Speaking to them in a way that creates guilt and disappointment in us. I am not a proponent for letting children get away with stuff but when my reaction is causing turmoil inside of me, there has to be a solution.

I wonder if it is focusing on the small things I DO RIGHT. Those minuscule victories that are easy to pass by that is the key. The same song and dance unfolded this morning so even though I did nag a bit, my voice didn't rise. I knew where this was going. He knew the consequence...healthy feeding first, extras after. So I took a few deep breathes after the buzzer went off for the max time allowed before we were in danger of being late and I calmly saran wrapped the food and put it in the fridge. He seemed confused like he was expecting more. But I did it. Tomorrow morning, the goal is to nix the nagging. Just foot down. I know he will complain when his brother gets the cookie when he gets home but that is something he has has to deal with. I dealt with MY behavior this morning. I at least have this reminder that I once kept firm and calm. Perhaps it will be easier to recreate in future situations and I won't be having the victory just in the morning but all day long.

Schedule Cleansing

Streamlining my life with 3 busy kids, a busy husband and work is a challenge but not impossible. I stayed with my cousin and his family for a few days in May. He has 8 kids ( politest, sweetest, most beautiful kids ) and has managed to create an exceptional life. The home works efficiently, it is not cluttered and from what I could see non-stressful. Everyone has time for their own hobbies and thoughts and have cozy, fun times together. My cousin and his wife have a relationship that is on a higher plain than anyone other couple I have ever met...PERIOD. 

I find that streamlining the budget is enjoyable and relatively easy. But "BUSY" is something else altogether. I want to do to my schedule what I have done with my expenses. Go through it carefully and start extracting things and think of how to make things more efficient. I have said " No" a couple of times recently which is a HUGE achievement. I am great at pulling myself in all directions thinking I am incredible rubberband woman only to snap. 

It is easy to take for granted that this "running around" mother thing is what is supposed to happen but I saw what a fine-tuned household can be. Less stuff, less spending, less engagement opens up pockets of time. And folks, it is a wondrous and beautiful thing to behold. 

A quick note about setbacks

I nursed my firstborn until he was 2 years 4 months, was so careful about his diet, thought I was doing everything right even before he was born. My doctor commended me in Canada for following the pregnancy recommendations so well. When my little guy started getting rashes and scratchy and it was declared he had allergies I was disappointed. All the hard work to protect the guy and I had no idea what I could have done to prevent this. My friend Tae said to me " but you don't know how much worse the allergy could have been if you didn't do all those things". That idea has reoccurred over the years. Working hard just to have something that seems like a setback to happen to realization that I had protected myself from something much worse. 

My Moms attitude is remarkable. She has been an avid exerciser and health geek for decades but she had a car accident 3 years ago that has made walking difficult. Still, she has been proud that she can manage what she can manage. Although in pain and can walk only for 15 minutes at a time she says the knee still looks way better than most who have such trauma and even though she is only able to be a fraction physically active than she was in the past she can still manage without a cane. 

It reminds me how I had a wonderful, respectful first relationship that gave me a strength that I wouldn't realize until I started dating others. Much later,when seeing another fellow, this man sat me down with my best friend and said that together they had cheated on me. I congratulated them and told them they were better suited for each other. I had no bitterness or anger because I had already that strong relationship foundation laid that gave me the knowledge it wasn't in my best interest. I was actually shocked that no strong emotions emerged and still to this day the only thing that remains is the wonderful sense that it rolled off my back. PS. found out nothing infuriates someone or creates more guilt like indifference in such situations. Just a tip on how to handle such people/ situations.

Physical, mental, spiritual, financial...each responsible little effort towards all build up something much more resilient that can handle just a little bit more of the natural and not so natural elements of life. If only 5 minutes a day spent on each development is all that I can afford, that 5 minutes is certainly better than zero.

I had a very, very, very minor setback today, I caught myself sulk for a few minutes but then reminded myself that if I hadn't laid the preventative layer this would suck much more. Hopefully next time I can bypass the fleeting disappointment altogether and nod my head with knowledge and confidence and say to myself "thank-you for me being able to handle it ".

The road to simplification

What springs to mind when the word "simplifying" is thrown at you? 

Over a dozen years ago I threw some books and clothing into a suitcase and moved to a foreign country. I needed very little, just basic hygiene stuff, work clothing, book, journal and I was "that" happy clam. A boyfriend convinced me that even if I was in a temporary place that I really " needed" more stuff. Accumulation began but still, way after that boyfriend was replaced I ended up finding the individual I would spend my life with, everything I had could fit into a few boxes on moving day...he on the other hand, had A LOT of stuff. Babies came and our home filled up with more things and we still lived our crazy single life in someways with the schedule and it all became " too much", so before third baby came I had resolved to " keep it simple" and like magic I was in a happy place . I already acknowledged my belief in small space living when we were beginning the process of house hunting. A certain lifestyle belief that brought me peace was being built, my cousin came from Canada and strengthened my decision to do this as he was and is much further along in not giving a rats ass what people think but deeply concerned about the print he was leaving on the environment. He was dazzled by my balcony garden and composter, the living space that was not huge but enough, the location that allowed me to walk everywhere, it was great to have an ally in what I felt was living more meaningfully. And then I had baby 3 and I found that what once gave me joy was a source of embarrassment and bother. Things went from crazy to dark. I barely knew how to survive and navigate. It took almost 3 years to climb out. And when I came out it was interesting to see what I had. It was like the realization I felt at 21 after my father died "I don't want to want anything". At 38, am not talking about minimalism, just talking about living simple and streamlined. I have a wonderful life and when everyday is a party, it is hard to appreciate it for what it is. 

When I emerged from the dark place I saw how many friends I had on my journey with me, I saw a loyal partner who stuck with me and kids who I wanted to celebrate. 

I also saw "too much". Too much ambivalence, too many obligations, too much physical stuff that took time away from my life, too many expectations. JUST TOO MUCH when the most peaceful moments, memorable moments were when we were functioning as a family of five in a hotel, discovering the world around us. Think about how much stuff you have when you stay in a hotel, very little is needed.

I am very blessed in some ways. Those 3 years were tough and I was given time and space to figure it out. Some of that required financial resources, we ate out A LOT, we traveled A LOT yet we never went into debt, I was never a big shopper but I did have the luxury to waste on useless stuff when I wanted to. Knowing the daily financial struggles of many I felt sick about how I wasted my resources. Ideally, to live happily on the national average would be much more responsible. I understand life is meant to be lived but the average annual income should be enough to do that and I feel a bit like a spoiled brat to want expensive material positions just because I can afford it. At a very young age, I saw the destruction of what "keeping up with the Joneses" does and it isn't pretty. 

One final simplifying that must be addressed. The mind clutter that brought me to the danger- zone! This is when mindfulness comes in handy, quick acknowledgment of feelings, observing the small acts that make life grand. When living and working with others life is bound to have ups and downs so to focus on the detritus of the day instead of the treasures is only productive if it is to clean-up not to ruminate.

This journey restarted actually almost half a year ago but really started falling into place in the last couple of months. My husband was away last night and I sat on the couch listening to bickering kids and in my frustration said " off to bed". So we all clamored into bed together...who lies next to Mommy ensued and I had to take a deep breath. I popped son 3 (s3) on my chest and wrapped my arms around son 1 (s1) and son 2 ( s2) who served as wings. S2 quickly started his rounds in dreamland. S1 and s3 never sleep so quickly. And then s3 kisses me and says " I love you Mommy...I love you s1 he whispers", s1 whispers " I love you too and I love s2 too...I love Mommy and Papa too" " yes, I love s2 and papa too" s3 says with understanding and they snuggle closer unknowing that I was stunned at their innocent transaction. They always say The words to ME but I have never heard the boys say " I love you" to each other. It was a very thoughtful, meaningful "I love you".

 Kids have it right, they can spend all day fluctuating between play and fights but at the end of the day to remember the love is all that matters.

Numbers for November

Happy Last Day of November!!!!!

Here are a few interesting numbers for November:

# of days in November: 30

# of Members in my family: 5 

# of homemade breakfasts: 29 days x 5 people= 145

# of homemade lunches for 5 people ( minus the  days school provided ones)=91

# of homemade dinners minus  the 5 that hubby was away a few days and 1 meal eaten out as a family- 141

# of servings of meals eaten out of the house- 20 ( my husband had 4 required company shingdings, I ate one lunch out with a friend and  last Sunday we went on an excursion for the day that required all meals eaten out)

# of snacks= I never recorded all the snacks but just say one a day= 150

Total of snacks and meals from home: 527

Grocery total for ALL of November= 30,000 yen ( just think around 300 bucks, if you are a forex junkie you can scream at me about the current exchange rate)

Yup, 1000 yen ( 10 bucks a day).

This is not the norm for me. We eat out so much that I could have just easily started a restaurant blog. I just decided that we wouldn't eat out in November and I rediscovered my joy in menu planning ( I use to LOVE menu planning but after my third son was born I went  into survival mode and getting out of bed was my biggest accomplishment).

But the figure is remarkably low don't you think? 5 people ( 2 adults and 3 boys 4,6 and 9). We ate incredibly well too. During a week we had lots of fruit and veggies, dinner with meat a few times a few times, fish a couple of times and 1-2 vegetarian meals...remember each WEEK.

Curious?

We ate exceptionally well. Healthy, balanced meals with treats too.

Here is a peek: 

Breakfast varied day to day. Some examples are : cereal, oatmeal, egg/ toast, rice with meat and veggies, muffins, cheese toast, fruit and homemade yogurt...

Lunch- pretty much leftovers or I set aside meat pieces when prepping dinner to create a whole new lunch for my husband with it. 

Dinner is where the fun is! During the course of last week for example we had:  meatloaf, vegetarian doria using spiced lentils, Japanese meat and potatoes, vegetarian curry, Seafood Japanese noodle bowl, Indian Prantha ( filled roti, pictured above), salmon burgers. Plus all the side stuff and add in the carbs like rice and bread. 

I was lucky in that we were given some veggies and fruit so that certainly kept the grocery bill low.

I THINK though, regardless of what was given to us, it still would have been remarkably cheap. The upside of being an Indo- Canadian living in Japan is that I suffer from no functional fixedness when it comes to food. Common food spans cuisines for me so when I see a potato I can do a million and 1 things with it. I am not a good cook but a flexible one. 

So my friends, lesson learned from November, instead of opening the pocket book, thinking there is nothing to eat at home, open the fridge! Open-minded cooking equals happy body and happy wallet. You would be surprised what can be created with a bit of life experience and a bit of ingredients. 

PS

I found that I actually saved time too, getting kids out the door, ordering, waiting, eating is an hour hand chewer. The boys are getting older so many cooking/ bonding times were had this month and I sure appreciate them for peeling and chopping with the blunt kiddie knife for me. It ( briefly) kept them productively busy and out of trouble.

PSS

The date shows up as November 29 but it is in fact the 30th in Japan.

The first snowfall

The first snowfall. Winter doesn't look good on my city. My friend recently moved to Germany and the view of this season is evocative of fairytales. I am an expat Canadian, snow looks awesome on Canada and the country has profited from it as it lures people to experience " The Great Canadian Winter". Aside from the rough driving conditions people can look forward to curling up to watch hockey on TV in their warm, centrally heated homes, drinking warm brandy in front of the fireplace yadda, yadda.

We don't have hockey here. The one skating rink closed down years ago although there are plans to build another one,  I vaguely remember signing a petition for it. I live on the Japan sea coast where the waves rise up ready to grab some unsuspecting pedestrian strolling by. The air sucks in its belly and spews out a harsh, full force wind that not only knocks you off your feet, navigates the most minuscule holes in your fabric to penetrate your thermal underwear but also has the ability to stop trains. IT STOPS TRAINS.....OFTEN!!!! And if the wind isn't enough, it has made some morbid pact with the rain to keep the good time rolling. It is cold, wet and windy. Our snow is sleet. Wool stinks olfactory wise at this time of the year, winter boots are useless as they never succeed in keeping your toes dry which means the pressure is put on rubber boots that are meant to keep the water out but has no concept of warmth. Throw in the perpetual gray sky and it is all a lethal mix. Seasonal Affective Disorder 100percent guaranteed or your money back!

But life is meant to be celebrated. My biggest dream is to be as simple as possible. Having  little children, I have learned that simplicity is survival. They were happy to wake up shivering, they gobbled up breakfast and pulled on those boots, gloves and hats with ease as if the in between seasons never occurred. They called me out into the technically crappy weather and started throwing wet snowballs at each other as they waited for the preschool bus. As I kissed their frozen cheeks I noted that those cheeks were taut and held up by big curved smiles. I want to keep their joy going. I made some cut-out cookie dough and selected some winter themed cutters from my stash so they can make their own warm snack. I think tonight calls out for board games and warm drinks maybe even dig out Christmas music. I still haven't figured out how to control the weather so I gotta make best with what I got.

We have to start somewhere. Right? sometimes that means: picking a sock off the ground, cracking open a book, refraining, saying sorry, cupping a hand even though yours is tense, getting out the door, brushing your hair, rising from bed, scratching a word, hugging a body, choosing to shut your mouth, unblocking ears, blocking the excuse, admitting your wrong, admitting your right, admitting that it doesnt matter, washing your hands, deciding to love and deciding it again and again remembering you began a long time ago, so you have absorbed a lot and you needn't carry it all, choose to keep the balm, the guidance to move you along even if it's not all sexy. You are already moving so go somewhere.