Filip Flisar

I am not a skier although I have done both downhill and cross country with very little enthusiasm, I know nothing about freestyle skiing and this means my knowledge of the existence of Filip Flisar was nil. Note the past tense, because last night I found myself with my 3 little boys cheering for him. Actually, still my knowledge of this guy is as close to nil. All I know is: 1) He is very good at freestyle skiing ( dude made it to the Olympics and pushed onto the semi-finals) 2) He is from Slovenia 3) He sports an awesome mustache ( well at least last night he did) with a nutty, mischievous, fun smile. 

It is for point #3 that my kids ended up cheering for him, making a song with a dance called " Mr. Mustache", being so delighted with him that they rooted for him over their own Canadians. A little bit of goofiness and smile can take some one surprisingly far and mix that with hard- work and a person can shoot into the sky. 

I see bit of that Flisar effect in my own life. I have unintentionally made a career for myself. It started with doing  a couple of special events for a big company, everything was given so I did as I was told, it was a bit exhausting. I moved, married, had a baby and wanted to do a little work for stimulation and remembered the big national company and contacted them. Go figure, they really needed me for quite a lot of events. My boss ended up being the most encouraging person ever with a great vision. I was the only one with the enthusiasm to go along with it. So, during that period, I ended up developing a quirky, fun way to inject something special into these standard events. When I moved, I was told I was the highest ranked native English teacher that the region has EVER had. I moved to the bigger region of Tokyo and Kanagawa. I applied all that I learned ( which also made my work much more fun too) so when I moved again, the Tokyo office said they were getting event requests specifying they wanted me. Which brings me to now. The quantity of work directly from the company is not enough to support a person but somehow I have managed to make something that resembles a career. Over the years, due to my events I have been asked to do sub- events for individual classrooms, I have been asked by the teachers to teach them privately and now have a roster of students made up of that unique group. 

I am not a particularly talented teacher but a bit of goof and a lot of smile has brought me an incredible amount of work. Yesterday, a student blurted out " you are funny...I love you ". That is the second time in a few days I had that comment. I had finished testing a group of 30 kids and as I left the room, the teacher grabbed me and said " my kids were so happy you were their tester this year. THEY LOVE YOU. "  One of my colleagues walked by and said " all the teachers and students love you". During this season I test over 2000 kids in 2 months. The work can get mundane if you let it. Last year I taught each group of kids the chicken dance to relax them before the test. This year so many kids and their teachers asked me if I would do it again...I didn't because every year I inject a little different crazy into it to keep them anticipating. So I pulled out some gags during the test. We have fun and the kids do awesome. It seems so simple but actually the kids and their teachers remember me and because of that my seasonal event work has turned into something that keeps me busy enough all year through.

That is what Flisar did last night. Among the best but certainly not the best, from a country we have no connection with,  he made an impression and won our hearts. Long past the beautiful clean, fast ski of those who stood on the podium we will think of " Mr. Mustache" and smile. Flisar didn't need a gold, with that attitude of picking himself off the ground and then laughing with the winners he already is gold. Trust that many looked dejected after crashing, he had his fleeting disappointment but went back to what looked from our screen, joking with others. 

Time to put more of that Flisar technique in my life not just during work. Doesn't it go something like this " When you are smiling, the whole world smiles with you". Humor and gratitude are a magical combo. I  might just write a message to Flisar so he knows that he is loved by these little kids and their Mom in Japan.

Familiar Strangers

I walked a bit further on the train platform and realized I never go past a certain point.  It was like a whole new world. My invisible edge was made 3 years ago when I would bring my toddler by stroller to work with me. That stopping point leads to the door to the train car that perfectly aligns with the elevator of my arrival station. I no longer use the elevator because my little guy has been in preschool for nearly 10 months. I do still find myself at the exact same spot every week. So today I walked a few steps back to my invisible line and looked up across the track at the train pausing before departure on the opposite journey of mine and saw a lady smile at me.

She was familiar.

The memory clicked into place: Every Thursday, waiting on the platform with my little guy, a train approaching on the opposite track, the gestural communication between him and the same smiling elderly lady in the opposite train. 

 

Every Thursday without fail, there is also a man who stands paces beside me in the unchartered territory. We have exchanged zero words or even glances. Our distance makes us close enough to psychologically acknowledge each other's existence but no need to start up a conversation. This is actually not anti-social. I like to feel like we have our own comfort in knowing the other will be there on Thursdays and wonder if he notices the balance is off when I go away on vacations and disappear for a few weeks. I sure would. If he suddenly stopped being there I would wonder if he was okay perhaps feel a slight shift in my ease.

There are so many people around me I take for granted. We may share smiles with familiarity but have no need for small talk or to read each other's stories. These people add security and a sense of order. A feeling of connectedness that two people ritually, seemingly coincidently share a common space. 

As time changes and molds my world a prayer and gratitude to those who are unknowingly, unfailingly, peacefully always there.

Starting the morning

Awareness of what brings deep satisfaction would seem easy but sometimes the feeling is fleeting or gets pushed aside with busyness so it is not fully acknowledged. First my older son had his cheese toast for breakfast and then, I brought him over some cucumber and offhand mentioned I had made some pumpkin/ carrot soup so if he wanted some... 

Anyhow, this hodgepodge meal for my oldest, out of efficiency ended up properly arranged together and set for the preschoolers by the time they got up. Waking up the younger guys and approaching the table I had a complete view of what was about to go into their bodies. Their vitamins set out, the orange colour of the small soup that had many veggies in it along with an apple to add sweetness, the green cucumber and aside from the wish that the bread was dark and grainy ( it is difficult to get whole grain breads here) it nourished me knowing that their bodies entered the day being flooded with this.

Before taking them to the bus I prepared my oatmeal so awaiting me in the quiet home, on the table, was a sun lit,  steaming mug holding warm colours of pecan and cranberries that awaited to be stirred in. Drawn into an unintentional meditation in which I was engaged with all my senses the morning was imbued with contentment and peace. 

Wrestling the bear

One month has passed and in that time I went from amazing progress to heading straight into the arms of challenge...and I  can't say that I have won that battle YET. My husband had 10 days straight of required company drinking parties which meant solo parenting. This wasn't altogether bad, I had the demons on the ground! During this drinking season, entered sickness which included me getting sick ( mama's are NOT allowed to get sick) and that too, with a bit more effort had me throw a few good punches but then the universe brought out the secret move... the inlaws and brother in- laws family thrown in for extra, plus hubby and one child getting sick  and BANG months of calm were smothered and I was down for the count. I came back lucidly,a resentful, bitter woman after the holidays. I see me crawling back up to conquer the negativity but it hasn't been easy and I am not even close to what I accomplished before the holiday season. I spent the weekend in the company of good friends but I see how much I voiced my concerns and complained about things that passionately disgust me. The world as is, was MUCH more acceptable a month ago. Currently, I perceive social nonsense everywhere. I see a lot of meanness. I find less pockets of time and control. Anyhow, I will state what has overwhelmed me in hopes that I will be able to either live with it or take it down.

1) Mental illness is not taken care of the way I wish it would, where I live. In an 18 month period my friends neighbour lost her child after he fell out of the house window and then the husband committed suicide a few weeks ago. What I see as tragedy and desire to rush and hold this woman my friend sees as a curse and doesn't want to go near her neighbour. This, has created a growing a seed of discontent. I have to convince myself that not everyone around this woman feels the need to back away holding out an amulet to protect against her vile fate. I am at a loss at what I can do and I am praying that someone in her life has been showing more compassion. I see myself assuming that this is the majority way of thinking in this culture but in no way is my thought substantiated. For all I know, she is being showered with empathy  and support. Yet, I suspect that overall my friends opinion is prevelant which is a terrible judgement and generalization on my part.

2) Work above everything. Financially and physically. The balance issue of life- work has reared it's ugly head AGAIN. This issue has been around since getting married and is not unique to me. But, I think with less "me time" recently, it has begun to be more difficult to handle again...well mentally. The institutionalized lack of equilibrium makes no sense and I see it as a human rights violation. Yes I am lucky my husband has a good job but I have such trouble accepting this means that he must work until late, be forced to drink and pay money out of our own pockets for forced drinking events. I see my husband being run ragged by work and then by home pressure too because I haven't been able to encourage myself to rebalance life properly this year so he has to help more with the kids even in his exhausted state.

3) My in- laws. This is more residue from the past. It was stunning how the past experience with them surfaced as an ugly resentment when I went there over New Years. Flashbacks of what " wrong- doings" were done. They are far from horrible people but at a time when I desperately needed support their lack of empathy and outpour of care for their other daughter in- law made me furious, jealous and feeling like my safety net had a big hole in the bottom. Compassion from friends is the only thing that kept me from the most horrible imaginable and allowed me to search for a better way to support myself. 

4) As a result of all of the above plus lack of a few solid hours of alone time at home to regather myself, I find myself not emotionally giving myself to my husband and kids. I shut-off and not listen as well as I should and forget to enjoy our time together. A by-product is family is presented as " work " in my mind . Not cool, not cool indeed. 

The situation is actually not as  dire as It sounds to be. I have been observing my feelings and have been trying to take care of it through action and through this written purging (because verbally doing it has made me feel guilty and counter- productive). Anyhow, because of my objective to stare these bears in the face, in this post I am not writing about all the things that have been right in my world ( which are plenty). I have been blessed with perfectly timed reminders that I can nudge myself back into the groove and snail paced have been making my way there. 

A belated "Happy New year". Reminder to myself: Compassion is love and "love makes the world go around". 

Dipping into meditation

Increasingly, I have been meditating. Meditation seemed daunting before. I never knew if I was doing it right. I still don't know if I am doing it "right" but that is no matter because it has been serving as a sort of protector. This protector is still honing its skills though...before I could see it chasing after me when I started internally and externally deviating, but it has become more swift and pretty soon after I "slip" it catches me and reminds me to keep in check. Even more recently it has been able to shield me more and more from myself and amazingly serve as a preventer and guilt reducer.

After meditating I feel at times what I imagine an elderly person is like...many seem more at peace with the journey, an ability to know what fights to pick in the wide scheme of things. Actually, studies have shown that happiness increases later in life. There are a number of possible factors that researchers have tried to attribute to this, one is that those who express increased happiness show a certain degree of control  yet an acceptance of what cannot be altered. That IS meditation to me at the early stage of my practice. Control and acceptance. In the form of sitting or carrying a chant in my head, I meditate on the interconnectiveness with my surroundings including the individuals around me. I meditate on the perspective this moment will have in the grand story of my life. Just being happy with what is at the moment. Really, there is not a lot that is worth confrontation.

As I have mentioned, I have not perfected this skill but the more I practice it the more I do see its effect. Life is a story and it is so easy to want to make it an exciting one but that means a plot line with a lot of unnecessary ups and downs and twists and turns... that is what sells but is it at the expense of self integrity? Life naturally will give us the hills to climb so digging holes or climbing a mountain when there is already a tunnel to go through and doing it just for the sake of entertainment seems very tiring. 

Temper, I see you!

TRUTH: I tend to mentally and physically hand the kids to my husband, and then expect a little too much. I went out with a friend last night and got back late, he had the kids in bed and like I often do, crashed with them. He was taking care of them all weekend non-stop because I worked both Saturday and Sunday. I did prep most of the meals but he was stuck taking the kids to the eye doctor, ensuring my eldest studied for his test this week etc. etc. Actually, he did a lot. He does a lot and actually really has minimal "him" time, yet he never asks for it. Even with this knowledge in the back of my head, I freaked out at him. I feel guilty for freaking out this morning. To wake up and face the disaster in the home was an inner battle that was lost. I tried to suck it in, I really did but than lost it. I hate the never- ending house work that without choice is heavily my job. All week, I try to keep it in order and one weekend working and it is all undone. So after years of fighting about this I am thinking I have to resign that this is a fact of life. BUT, I have to make it easier for me without losing my temper or feeling resentment because I want to live simply in my heart too.

I have no answer yet, throwing stuff out feels cathartic and the less stuff is less to clean up. I think I will hide away most of my dishes and pots and pans so they have no choice but to wash-up after they use it ( can't throw them out because I do like having friends over). Yes, that is a start ( sorry, problem solving as I write). OK. Hello new week, I resolve to focus on the kitchen and to make it less of a place of contention. PS. the kids seem to be understanding this a bit more than my husband- that I am becoming more " no nonsense". I told them I am grabbing 3 garbage bags and will fill them up today and they understood immediately that it means what I find on the floor is going in and there was a mad scramble to pick-up stuff. They have seen me throw out their toys and now know I mean business. I do mean business because honestly the efforts I have put in so far really has given more peace and the time to see when the peace is in danger of being rocked. REALLY, the boys and I are so much more closer and loving since I started this simplifying process it is worth it already.

The image of tsunamis is something rather newish to my visual vocabulary. The 2005 Asian massive one and then the closer to home, 2011 Tohoku one both did and still do shake me to the core. 

Today, on the train platform, I was walking when from behind I could hear the rumbling of the approaching train. I quickend my step as it got louder, the earth started vibrating and before I could catch myself I had placed my mind into someone trying to outrun a tsunami. The train passed me of course and I felt washed over with the feeling of fruitlessness and grief for the thousands who tried to save themselves. 

Pulling myself back from myself, it was bewildering that I would play such a cruel mind game.

Suffering is so much harder to make sense of. I wonder if this fact for me has given me the knee-jerk desire to simplify everything. To wrap my head around life more easily.  Restarting blogging is my way to clear head space. As I type, at this moment, I am trying to step back again: the emotions of the day can be seen whirling in my head, my chest is clenched and debris of this cerebral tornado fly out. It is my Dads birthday today and I am unintentionally trying to hold it in. He would have been 71. I know I could  write more and release the sorrow but I don't want to. A friend came over and mentioned a fear she has and again the territory was so potentially real that I was scared to tread there mentally after she left. Wars, natural disasters, uncontrollable tragedies...they are so profound that they entangle internally. The only way I can even begin to disentangle is to acknowledge that both fear and grief are  very difficult to set free.