The boys are on Spring break so my decluttering has slowed down but has not quite halted. The material chaos grabs at my nerves at times and plucks at them like a guitar trying to be tuned but just can't. The past two days I have been moving furniture in the boys room and yesterday I felt success but today I had anger sweep over me. Looking at this stuff is looking at my stupidity of being a shmuck to consumerism. Goodness, imagine the time and money saved if I had these realizations years ago :( Today it feels like I am looking up a steep hill but there is a project I will be starting in 2 weeks and perseverance will make the beginning of it so sweet. Until then I will have to rock it like the little engine that could " I think I can, I think I can, I think I can" with the occasional off tune guitar playing as irrritating background music.

Bear with me as I talk about budgeting

Budgeting has become so empowering to me over the years that it is difficult to recall a time when I was not fully aware of our financial situation. Today, with gusto, I shared how I budget with a friend/ student. I was excited to motivate her to make a change that will alter her life. She asked me to do this last week so I was prepared for today...I thought. Even with my reassurances that if I can do it on a similar income with an extra child and the added expense of annual foreign travel she most certainly could do it too, she still left stricken with what looked like pain, fear, sadness and sickness.

Money can have an unbelievable grip on us and I forgot what it was like to have an extreme lack of control and to just be staring into an unknown abyss of expenditures. I "feel" like I have some control because I have my expenses all written out so clearly and so much savings is on auto pilot that even last year which had some pretty big splurges like renewing our vows in the Philippines, a solo trip to Singapore, my little sisters wedding in Canada and our trip back to the inlaws in Kyushu, plus consider the days in between were not short of luxuries like replacing my husbands lost wedding band and him buying me simple but-diamonds-non-the-less anniversary present, we managed to save at least 25 percent of our pre-tax income. This realization was incredibly unbelievable because I did decide to let loose and I never imagined we would emerge financially so well in 2013. I owe this relief to my budget. Even though I thought I had " let loose" I was already in the habit of cutting and saving in other areas to cushion any financial damage I was inflicting. Actually the word " damage " is inaccurate because there is no guilt to what I spent as I still was able to pull into 2014 in good condition financially and with our experiences in 2013 our relationships became even tighter with each other and with family and friends abroad.

So I have forgotten what it is like. The scariness of not understanding what money was coming in and going out. Wanting to give everything to my children in the present and at the expense of the family's future. Trust I have been there and by the grace of the universe was able to make my mistakes without ruining my family financially. I have stories, man do I have stories, but beneath my enthusiasm in this topic is humiliation that I don't need to go back to. I wish I could have openly shared stories with her and to my husband who doesn't totally get why this is important to me. But it is. It is very important. Please believe me that this is important. This single act can move the earth if we put value to it and were accountable to every coin spent. 

The act of beginning a budget for me snowballed over time to this whole simplicity thing, to being more eco , questioning consumerism and has given me a stronger desire to live more responsibly. I am not a guru in any of these areas but I am happy with how far I have come along in my 9 year journey and get immense joy from the things mentioned.

I will see my friend again next week. I will gently ask her if she filled in the numbers to the budget we created together. For privacy I told her I needn't see her numbers. Part of me thinks that if she is overwhelmed I could help her much more if I did look at her calculations. I pointed her to areas that can be immediately shaved down when trying to balance her sheet and I hope she does and perseveres and continues.

Even though there were times and still may be times in the future that will have me pulling out my hair and crying with how to figure it all out I have always loved the problem solving game of it. Somehow, I have kept going and saved and given my family great experiences. If you are starting a budget let me reassure  you that I HAVE BEEN THERE. You must be brave if you think you will be revealing a bad situation but it will only get worse unless you take care of it NOW. The rewards of the whole process alone are worth it. 

My budgeting skills have gotten pretty decent. This past weekend my husband and I went to the cellphone shop to get my second son a kids mobile. My husband has been on my case about replacing his deteriorating phone with an iphone. I have stuck to my guns and told him to show me the numbers about how it will effect the phone bill. So finally, with both of us at the shop I told the assistant our situation that soon we will have 4 cellphones and he wants an iPhone but I don't want to increase my expenses. She sat down and went through our current package and usage amounts. Long story short, I left with a happy husband with an iPhone, happy kid with his very own mobile and happy me with a phone bill that will be reduced about 50bucks a month...bonus, she informed me it will decrease 25 bucks more in November, oh and bonus bonus I won a Nintendo 3DS while there ( but I sold it to a friend because I am pretty strict about having one in the house).

One last story, in case I haven't convinced you to budget or reexamine your budget. I had a striking realization a couple of months back. I understand situations change but if I continue on the path I have been on ( meaning spending on what is important for us and budgeting and saving), I will retire with a million in cash, add in pensions and other stuff and we are looking okay plus all the years leading up will be filled with the travel and experiences we hold so important. We are a normal family with 3 kids who take various classes, we eat well, we vacation...we are far from deprived. Deprivation would probably give us an early retirement *lol*. That actually isn't my goal. My main goal is to live responsibly and reasonably so imagine my surprise when I looked at the books and realized that a million could be saved with minimal  effort and absolutely no change to the lifestyle I have cultivated. As I said to my friend, If I can do it you can too and you can probably do it better.

Filip Flisar

I am not a skier although I have done both downhill and cross country with very little enthusiasm, I know nothing about freestyle skiing and this means my knowledge of the existence of Filip Flisar was nil. Note the past tense, because last night I found myself with my 3 little boys cheering for him. Actually, still my knowledge of this guy is as close to nil. All I know is: 1) He is very good at freestyle skiing ( dude made it to the Olympics and pushed onto the semi-finals) 2) He is from Slovenia 3) He sports an awesome mustache ( well at least last night he did) with a nutty, mischievous, fun smile. 

It is for point #3 that my kids ended up cheering for him, making a song with a dance called " Mr. Mustache", being so delighted with him that they rooted for him over their own Canadians. A little bit of goofiness and smile can take some one surprisingly far and mix that with hard- work and a person can shoot into the sky. 

I see bit of that Flisar effect in my own life. I have unintentionally made a career for myself. It started with doing  a couple of special events for a big company, everything was given so I did as I was told, it was a bit exhausting. I moved, married, had a baby and wanted to do a little work for stimulation and remembered the big national company and contacted them. Go figure, they really needed me for quite a lot of events. My boss ended up being the most encouraging person ever with a great vision. I was the only one with the enthusiasm to go along with it. So, during that period, I ended up developing a quirky, fun way to inject something special into these standard events. When I moved, I was told I was the highest ranked native English teacher that the region has EVER had. I moved to the bigger region of Tokyo and Kanagawa. I applied all that I learned ( which also made my work much more fun too) so when I moved again, the Tokyo office said they were getting event requests specifying they wanted me. Which brings me to now. The quantity of work directly from the company is not enough to support a person but somehow I have managed to make something that resembles a career. Over the years, due to my events I have been asked to do sub- events for individual classrooms, I have been asked by the teachers to teach them privately and now have a roster of students made up of that unique group. 

I am not a particularly talented teacher but a bit of goof and a lot of smile has brought me an incredible amount of work. Yesterday, a student blurted out " you are funny...I love you ". That is the second time in a few days I had that comment. I had finished testing a group of 30 kids and as I left the room, the teacher grabbed me and said " my kids were so happy you were their tester this year. THEY LOVE YOU. "  One of my colleagues walked by and said " all the teachers and students love you". During this season I test over 2000 kids in 2 months. The work can get mundane if you let it. Last year I taught each group of kids the chicken dance to relax them before the test. This year so many kids and their teachers asked me if I would do it again...I didn't because every year I inject a little different crazy into it to keep them anticipating. So I pulled out some gags during the test. We have fun and the kids do awesome. It seems so simple but actually the kids and their teachers remember me and because of that my seasonal event work has turned into something that keeps me busy enough all year through.

That is what Flisar did last night. Among the best but certainly not the best, from a country we have no connection with,  he made an impression and won our hearts. Long past the beautiful clean, fast ski of those who stood on the podium we will think of " Mr. Mustache" and smile. Flisar didn't need a gold, with that attitude of picking himself off the ground and then laughing with the winners he already is gold. Trust that many looked dejected after crashing, he had his fleeting disappointment but went back to what looked from our screen, joking with others. 

Time to put more of that Flisar technique in my life not just during work. Doesn't it go something like this " When you are smiling, the whole world smiles with you". Humor and gratitude are a magical combo. I  might just write a message to Flisar so he knows that he is loved by these little kids and their Mom in Japan.

Familiar Strangers

I walked a bit further on the train platform and realized I never go past a certain point.  It was like a whole new world. My invisible edge was made 3 years ago when I would bring my toddler by stroller to work with me. That stopping point leads to the door to the train car that perfectly aligns with the elevator of my arrival station. I no longer use the elevator because my little guy has been in preschool for nearly 10 months. I do still find myself at the exact same spot every week. So today I walked a few steps back to my invisible line and looked up across the track at the train pausing before departure on the opposite journey of mine and saw a lady smile at me.

She was familiar.

The memory clicked into place: Every Thursday, waiting on the platform with my little guy, a train approaching on the opposite track, the gestural communication between him and the same smiling elderly lady in the opposite train. 

 

Every Thursday without fail, there is also a man who stands paces beside me in the unchartered territory. We have exchanged zero words or even glances. Our distance makes us close enough to psychologically acknowledge each other's existence but no need to start up a conversation. This is actually not anti-social. I like to feel like we have our own comfort in knowing the other will be there on Thursdays and wonder if he notices the balance is off when I go away on vacations and disappear for a few weeks. I sure would. If he suddenly stopped being there I would wonder if he was okay perhaps feel a slight shift in my ease.

There are so many people around me I take for granted. We may share smiles with familiarity but have no need for small talk or to read each other's stories. These people add security and a sense of order. A feeling of connectedness that two people ritually, seemingly coincidently share a common space. 

As time changes and molds my world a prayer and gratitude to those who are unknowingly, unfailingly, peacefully always there.

Starting the morning

Awareness of what brings deep satisfaction would seem easy but sometimes the feeling is fleeting or gets pushed aside with busyness so it is not fully acknowledged. First my older son had his cheese toast for breakfast and then, I brought him over some cucumber and offhand mentioned I had made some pumpkin/ carrot soup so if he wanted some... 

Anyhow, this hodgepodge meal for my oldest, out of efficiency ended up properly arranged together and set for the preschoolers by the time they got up. Waking up the younger guys and approaching the table I had a complete view of what was about to go into their bodies. Their vitamins set out, the orange colour of the small soup that had many veggies in it along with an apple to add sweetness, the green cucumber and aside from the wish that the bread was dark and grainy ( it is difficult to get whole grain breads here) it nourished me knowing that their bodies entered the day being flooded with this.

Before taking them to the bus I prepared my oatmeal so awaiting me in the quiet home, on the table, was a sun lit,  steaming mug holding warm colours of pecan and cranberries that awaited to be stirred in. Drawn into an unintentional meditation in which I was engaged with all my senses the morning was imbued with contentment and peace. 

Wrestling the bear

One month has passed and in that time I went from amazing progress to heading straight into the arms of challenge...and I  can't say that I have won that battle YET. My husband had 10 days straight of required company drinking parties which meant solo parenting. This wasn't altogether bad, I had the demons on the ground! During this drinking season, entered sickness which included me getting sick ( mama's are NOT allowed to get sick) and that too, with a bit more effort had me throw a few good punches but then the universe brought out the secret move... the inlaws and brother in- laws family thrown in for extra, plus hubby and one child getting sick  and BANG months of calm were smothered and I was down for the count. I came back lucidly,a resentful, bitter woman after the holidays. I see me crawling back up to conquer the negativity but it hasn't been easy and I am not even close to what I accomplished before the holiday season. I spent the weekend in the company of good friends but I see how much I voiced my concerns and complained about things that passionately disgust me. The world as is, was MUCH more acceptable a month ago. Currently, I perceive social nonsense everywhere. I see a lot of meanness. I find less pockets of time and control. Anyhow, I will state what has overwhelmed me in hopes that I will be able to either live with it or take it down.

1) Mental illness is not taken care of the way I wish it would, where I live. In an 18 month period my friends neighbour lost her child after he fell out of the house window and then the husband committed suicide a few weeks ago. What I see as tragedy and desire to rush and hold this woman my friend sees as a curse and doesn't want to go near her neighbour. This, has created a growing a seed of discontent. I have to convince myself that not everyone around this woman feels the need to back away holding out an amulet to protect against her vile fate. I am at a loss at what I can do and I am praying that someone in her life has been showing more compassion. I see myself assuming that this is the majority way of thinking in this culture but in no way is my thought substantiated. For all I know, she is being showered with empathy  and support. Yet, I suspect that overall my friends opinion is prevelant which is a terrible judgement and generalization on my part.

2) Work above everything. Financially and physically. The balance issue of life- work has reared it's ugly head AGAIN. This issue has been around since getting married and is not unique to me. But, I think with less "me time" recently, it has begun to be more difficult to handle again...well mentally. The institutionalized lack of equilibrium makes no sense and I see it as a human rights violation. Yes I am lucky my husband has a good job but I have such trouble accepting this means that he must work until late, be forced to drink and pay money out of our own pockets for forced drinking events. I see my husband being run ragged by work and then by home pressure too because I haven't been able to encourage myself to rebalance life properly this year so he has to help more with the kids even in his exhausted state.

3) My in- laws. This is more residue from the past. It was stunning how the past experience with them surfaced as an ugly resentment when I went there over New Years. Flashbacks of what " wrong- doings" were done. They are far from horrible people but at a time when I desperately needed support their lack of empathy and outpour of care for their other daughter in- law made me furious, jealous and feeling like my safety net had a big hole in the bottom. Compassion from friends is the only thing that kept me from the most horrible imaginable and allowed me to search for a better way to support myself. 

4) As a result of all of the above plus lack of a few solid hours of alone time at home to regather myself, I find myself not emotionally giving myself to my husband and kids. I shut-off and not listen as well as I should and forget to enjoy our time together. A by-product is family is presented as " work " in my mind . Not cool, not cool indeed. 

The situation is actually not as  dire as It sounds to be. I have been observing my feelings and have been trying to take care of it through action and through this written purging (because verbally doing it has made me feel guilty and counter- productive). Anyhow, because of my objective to stare these bears in the face, in this post I am not writing about all the things that have been right in my world ( which are plenty). I have been blessed with perfectly timed reminders that I can nudge myself back into the groove and snail paced have been making my way there. 

A belated "Happy New year". Reminder to myself: Compassion is love and "love makes the world go around".